I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
