did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
