Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
