Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
