she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
