I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
