im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Boobs are out for the taking
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
