I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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