After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
cat food counts as protein by the way
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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