my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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