How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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