He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
