what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
