Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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