You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
