I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
