the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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