I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
