Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
