I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
