and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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