As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
