i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
