i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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