dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Randomize
