Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
