dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
The struggles of a small town man whore
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
