oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Randomize
