Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
