I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Randomize
