you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
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