Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize