I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
