Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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