The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
