FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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