Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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