fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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