its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
