Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Randomize
