I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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