That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Randomize
