Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
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