he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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