the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize