I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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