totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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