I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
