Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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