i need an iv and a liver transplant
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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