Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
