they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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