I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
