My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Randomize
