It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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